Goals should be linked to Values!

January is typically the time of year when we try to come up with some New Year’s resolutions. Goals can be energising and motivating, they can give our lives purpose and can even keep us young. I’m all for setting some achievable goals but sometimes even these can be a double-edged sword! If we cling onto goals for too long, when they are either no longer realistically achievable, or our hearts aren’t in it, they can make us feel a sense of failure, increase our stress levels and have a negative effect on our self-esteem; that’s not so good!

Contrary to what you might think, having a goal, and even achieving it, isn’t necessarily the best thing for us.  For example, I could set myself a goal this year that I am going to learn an instrument. Maybe I could achieve this, or maybe I wouldn’t. But either way, it might not give me much fulfilment if it wasn’t the right goal in the first place. Goals are only useful and energising if they matter to the individual. For goals to feel meaningful and to really ensure that they enhance our lives, they need to line up with our values (what matters to us in life).

Our values are personal and will be different for each and every one of us. Some examples of values are: being emotionally close to the people we love, being fun-loving, having self-control, being honest, setting ourselves challenges, helping those in need, spending time with loved ones. I could go on and on! If we can set ourselves resolutions that line up with our most important values then we are more likely to be motivated and to gain a sense of purpose from them. So, if I identify that one of my most important values is to feel emotionally close to loved ones then perhaps the best New Year’s resolution I could make would be to find ways to facilitate this more, like taking my teenage daughter out for coffee once a week where we can have a good chat.

If you’re not sure what your values are, have a think about what you most enjoy doing. Why are these things so important to you? It’s likely that your values are hidden in there. Also, consider what hurts you the most. Things that don’t matter very much don’t tend to hurt us. Inside your pain you’ll find your values.

So, if you’re thinking about writing some New Year’s resolutions, rather than just deciding on a couple of things that you think you should be doing, why don’t you start by identifying what your most important value or values are? Good luck with it!

 

Love Dr Gemima x

Great Expectations at Christmas!

 

I’m really looking forward to Christmas! Hopefully you are too. Most people who celebrate Christmas look forward to some time off work, socialising with loved ones, nostalgic traditions, lovely presents and tasty food and drink. Wonderful! But let’s face it, even if everything is going well in life and your family gets along relatively harmoniously, spending so much time in close proximity with family can be stressful! And sometimes our patience can be pushed to the limit (or maybe that’s just me!) Although Christmas is traditionally one of our favourite times of the year, expectations can be so high for a ‘perfect Christmas’ that I thought I’d touch on some of the potential challenges.

Even if you love all your family members, family dynamics can be complex and family reunions have the potential to bring out a range of emotions. Getting caught up in trying to satisfy the various needs of different family members can be extremely stressful and may well be a battle you don’t win. If at any point over the Christmas period you feel things are getting fraught, it really is best to keep expectations hopeful but realistic. Try to stay grounded in that Christmas will hopefully contain wonderful moments, but may well also include moments that aren’t so wonderful. Just like the rest of our lives. At times, tensions may run high. Perhaps you can’t influence or change family dynamics much, but at least try to notice the effect family may be having on your emotions. Seeing it for what it is may help you to get some perspective on how you are feeling. If you feel stressed take some time out, breathe, and re-focus. Research shows that the most happiness at Christmas comes from focusing on family and spiritual experiences, rather than spending and consumption, so remember what’s important.

If you are alone this Christmas then I imagine it might be difficult for other reasons. If so, all I can say is please reach out to others if you can. I’ve had tough Christmases in my life before and it can be hard but you will get through it. The evenings will be getting lighter again soon and as with all things, this will pass. All there is left for me to say is that I sincerely hope you have a lovely Christmas and whatever is going on for you, you manage to find beautiful moments in amongst it all!

Love Dr Gemima x

 

 

Hope for 2016!

There is one thing about life on earth, and that is that change is inevitable. Not all of us like change. Some people find change particularly unsettling. Change can mean loss. It can mean grief. It can be scary. But it is inevitable. Look around you. For many of us, we’ll soon be taking down our Christmas decorations and that’s the Christmas season over with. Seasons change. Houses need re-decorating. The once vibrant colours in new clothes eventually fade. The pages of books eventually go yellow. And I definitely have some wrinkles that didn’t use to be there. That’s life. But as well as loss, this inevitable change we constantly experience brings with it great possibilities. Because nothing, nothing, ever stays the same. Whatever is here right now in your life –  good, bad or indifferent – will eventually pass. If I have one piece of advice for you for the coming year it is to learn to ride the waves of change and to expect an adventure.

As one year draws to a close, it’s human nature that we feel a sense of newness about the new year ahead. A new year full of possibilities. So much can happen in one year. So much. But how much often depends on us; how much we are open to change and the possibility of growth. Hope is an incredibly powerful force. It brings with it a vitality; a sparkle behind the eyes – whatever your age and personal circumstances. Hope is defined as a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen. So what are you hoping for in 2016? Are you even hoping for anything? Hope is the beginning. It is the seed. From there dreams are born and plans can be put into place to help these to be achieved.

Do you remember what it felt like to be hopeful as a child? It was exciting! I remember hoping that I would one day be a successful author! I used to get so excited about it happening! I practiced writing books in my bedroom for hours on end. But over the years I saw ‘sense’. Life came along and buffeted that hope out of me. The hope died and the dream eventually faded. I focused so much on the obstacles that they grew bigger and bigger in my mind. I forgot I had ever had the hope; until recently. My hope has now been re-kindled and it’s a far more interesting place to be. But finding that hope was only possible by digging deep. When life feels hopeless, sometimes we need to dig very deep to the very core of who we are to find a glimmer of a sense that life can be better again in the future, one day.

Whoever you are reading this, I have no idea what is going on in your life right now. Maybe you are already full of hope for 2016. If that’s the case, I am excited for you.  But maybe you’re not. Maybe it all feels dark and hopeless. Well, even in that dark place there is a gift for you. As Martin Luther King Jr said, “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.” I believe that every day there is beauty all around you. The challenge is to try to find it. It might be in a line from a song, in a flower by the side of the road, in a smile from a stranger at the bus stop; I don’t know. But one thing I do know is that it’s there. And when you start to notice the beauty, this will start to purify your mental palette. Once your mind begins to be cleansed you can start to have hope again.

So, let’s look for beauty and hope all around us this year. As we do this we will find more opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment.

Love Dr Gemima x

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To forgive or not to forgive….?

Have you been wronged? I mean deeply wronged – where someone has treated you, or someone you love, so badly that it physically hurts when you think about it? If so, perhaps you have found that people roll out platitudes that what you need to do is forgive the person who hurt you, so that you don’t end up bitter. Well, in my personal and clinical experience that can be deeply irritating, hurtful, upsetting and really, really undermining and minimising of the pain you are in and the experience you have been through. It is NEVER helpful for people to talk about the onus of responsibility being on the person who has been wronged to forgive.

However, it is true that bitterness is bad for us; mentally and physically. Research has shown that unforgiveness and bitterness can have serious negative consequences for both our physical and mental well-being.

So, to my way of thinking, there’s a tension. On the one hand I get very uncomfortable when I hear people telling others who are in pain and who are quite rightly angry, that they need to forgive. How dare anyone tell someone who has been abused or mistreated that they ‘should’ do anything? It’s just not helpful. I have also been witness to people who have faces contorted with bitterness many years after an event has caused them deep pain. When I see this I am certainly left feeling sad. I don’t think there is a clear cut answer to the unforgiveness question but I do have some thoughts that I hope might be helpful.

Firstly, I don’t think you can rush or force forgiveness. If you try to, it usually ends up with feelings of guilt and self-blame as people desperately try to do something they just aren’t able to do. So, my advice is to take all the pressure off. Stop trying to forgive. Perhaps just work towards an idea that in an ideal world you would like to feel more at peace with what happened one day.

Secondly, try changing your outlook on forgiveness. Forgiveness is NOT saying that what the perpetrator did was ok. Far from it. My perspective is that when I choose to forgive someone who has deeply wronged me I am choosing to see them as a flawed human being. That’s it. That is no excuse, but it is an explanation. When I am in a place to forgive I am saying that I choose peace. I choose a future that is free of, if not the pain of what was done to me, at least free of the ‘why’. Sometimes the ‘why’ can’t be answered and letting go of the need to get the question answered can be a huge release.

Thirdly, when I forgive I choose not to waste my pain and suffering. I see that in the wound there is always a lesson. I choose to be brave enough to consider, over time, what those lessons might be.

Finally, if you decide that the pain is too great to forgive. That’s ok. No one knows how it feels except you. So no one has the right to judge you. You look after your own heart and sometimes just the fact that you are still getting up every day is enough for now.

Love to you all.

Gemima x

Remember if you want to get in contact please email drgemimafitzgerald@gmail.com or leave a comment here or on my Facebook page: Dr Gemima Fitzgerald. Or you can tweet me @GemimaF

Pain can lead to personal growth

I recently gave a talk in a big theatre, The Dome, in Brighton. The talk was a TEDx talk, and for those of you who perhaps haven’t heard of these, it’s a pretty big deal (well it was for me anyway!) I was so nervous because it was such an honour to be asked to do this. My first problem when I was invited to speak was what should I choose to speak about? I had 15 minutes to talk. I felt that there were so many topics I would love to talk about and I had to decide what I felt would be most important to cover in 15 short minutes.

In the end, I decided that my talk had to be one of hope. My passion is how people can grow and become stronger after painful experiences. But condensing all my thoughts, experiences, learning and research into such a short talk is really hard. On the one hand, 15 mins is very short; but on the other hand, asking people to click on a video link and hoping that they will continue watching until the end is quite something…..our attention spans can be so short (mine included) so I really hope it’s interesting enough to keep you engaged as you watch it. It’s not something I’ve done lightly, as traditionally, clinical psychologists don’t tend to reveal too much about themselves. But I’ve done it deliberately. If my message is that going through painful times is nothing to be ashamed of and we can take our masks off, then I must do that too.

Anyway, here it is. I really hope you get something from this. So far, the feedback I’ve received has been incredibly moving for me. In all my preparation I never imagined that so many people would be telling me how inspiring and helpful they found it. I am beyond grateful for people taking the time to tell me what they got from it.

So, if you like the talk and you found it helpful please post a comment. If you think others may benefit from it too, please share it. The reason I did this talk was to reach as many people as possible with this message.

Thank you for taking time to read this and I hope that if you watch the video you hear my heart and you take away a message that your life is important. Please click on the link below to watch it:

Dr Gemima Fitzgerald Human Resilience TEDx Brighton 2015

Gemima x

‘Tis the Season to be Jolly (or not as the case may be….)

“Happy Christmas!” A lovely sentiment, but for many people this festive season will be anything but happy. Hopefully for most people it will be a lovely time but sadly, I know that for some it will be difficult and painful. I love Christmas. I love the food, the decorations, the mulled wine, the cheesy Christmas music, the time you get to spend with loved ones, the rubbish Christmas telly….I could go on and on. But I also am very familiar with the darker side of Christmas. And believe me, there is a darker side; the side that has made me feel more isolated, lonelier and more of a failure than any other time of the year. I have felt the almost unbearable pain of feeling that my life falls so far short of the ‘Christmas ideal’ and that while the rest of the world is tucking into their hearty family meals, laughing as they share funny moments, opening presents that they’ve always dreamed of and looking spectacular in their new Christmas outfits, I am fighting back the tears and feeling that I have never belonged less in this world.

This Christmas there will be people whose lives are falling apart. For some, relationships will be breaking down. Reports of domestic violence typically rise by a third on Christmas Day in the UK. This is often due to the fact that families are forced into close proximity for extended periods of time; often with high quantities of alcohol. For women, men and children who are being abused, Christmas is often a time of inescapable fear and trauma; of heartbreak and deep, deep despair. For others, perhaps they are alone due to a bereavement. Christmas is the most sentimental of times where we naturally cast our minds back to previously happy years. Whatever the circumstances, if we feel disconnected from love this Christmas, it is likely that it will be hard.

Christmas is only a day. Or perhaps a few days if you count the bank holidays. For some, you just need to get through it. Be kind to yourself and try to find some new and unique traditions that are special and make you feel good about yourself. If you are feeling frightened for your physical safety, please, please, please speak up. There is help out there for you and you deserve a life of peace and happiness. If you feel alone in any way, just know that you are braver and stronger than you think. Out of great pain comes the greatest beauty if you turn towards that pain and allow it to make you a person of kindness, gentleness and strength.

So I really hope your Christmas is a good one. But whatever it is, know that your life can be good, and that you have a purpose. My life is free of abuse now and I’m happy. But I will never forget how it feels to be alone. My heart goes out to anyone feeling that. Hang on in there and if you can just let go of the ‘Christmas ideal’ you may even find that there is beauty all around you this Christmas in the most unexpected of places.

Gemima x

 

The Pink Sparkly Dress

Sometimes bad things happen. We all know that. And no one is immune to it. In my clinical work I meet people all the time who have experienced tragedy; real heart-breaking, life-derailing, bottom-falling-out of-your-world tragedy. And they often reflect that before the tragedy hit so much time was spent worrying and stressing about things that might go wrong in life, but that actually most of the time, the things that knock us off our feet are things we hadn’t considered. There was nothing that could have been done to prepare them for what lay ahead; other than cherishing times of peace and living in the moment more so as to fully connect with life.

What stops us from doing that? I think we have so much to learn from children. I remember when my daughter was little, she had a favourite party dress. It was sparkly and pink, and quite expensive! She loved that dress and wanted to wear it every day; she wanted to wear it to playschool, in the sand pit, playing in the park – all the time! But I tried to limit how often she wore it. “Save it for best”, I said. “It will get ruined if you get it dirty”. Well, I was probably right, but what happened was that before long she had outgrown that dress and she couldn’t wear it anymore. When I realised that she could no longer fit into it I felt sad that she had only worn it a handful of times, and wished so much that I had allowed her to enjoy that dress in its fullness until she wore it out.

None of us know what the future holds. If it’s impossible to carry on with life as you did before, then you must carry on in a way you never have before. But nothing can really prepare you for this. So cross that bridge if you come to it. But in the meantime enjoy life in the moment, to the fullest. Don’t save your best outfit….embrace your carefree inner child and enjoy the beauty in your life right now. Notice the good things in your life as they happen. I do the same walk every working day from the car park to my office. It only takes a couple of minutes. Some days I don’t even notice that walk as my brain is pre-occupied with what I need to do later that day; constructing a to-do list in my mind. But other days I pay attention. I notice the birds singing; the cool air on my face; the sound of my feet on the tarmac. Those moments are so simple but so special. It doesn’t take me any longer to walk to my office on those days; but I feel that I have been present and connected with being alive in a way that is precious, rather than racing ahead in my mind. Having a child-like curiosity about the world and our experiences really does make life more wonderful.

Gemima x

Happy Monday?

“I Don’t Like Mondays” sang the Boomtown Rats, and I’m sure those lyrics resonate with many of us! Lots of us (if not all) know the feeling of dread as Monday looms and how difficult it can be to haul ourselves out of bed. But Mondays account for over 14% of our lives; and if you count the potential Sunday evening that we spend dreading Mondays, it amounts to 18.5% of our lives that are preoccupied and negatively affected. That’s an awful lot of time to waste feeling low about something that is inevitable and unavoidable. So what’s the answer?

Well, I think perhaps it’s time for Mondays to have some sort of PR overhaul and re-branding. I’ve had enough of these anti-Monday songs and negative associations that fill our minds with dread. If we ruminate on negative beliefs about anything, we will start to believe them, and this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as we consequently pay more attention to all the bad things that happen on this day of the week.

We can start to re-frame Mondays. Bear with me for just a bit while I explain. Picture the scene:  you’ve had a lovely weekend but now it’s 5pm on Sunday and you become acutely aware that the weekend is drawing to a close. That familiar feeling of sadness that it’s almost over, and anxiety about the week ahead starts to rise within you. When you eventually get to bed perhaps your sleep is a bit disturbed as you find it more difficult to relax knowing that Monday is coming. You feel worried about what it might be like when you return to work, college, or the more structured events of the week ahead. Next morning as soon as you wake you feel fed up, tired, irritated and anxious about the day ahead. However, all this aside, come about 11am you are back in the swing of things. You’re back into the rhythm of the week and actually you start to feel better; more awake, confident and everything feels a bit more manageable.

So here’s the thing. Mondays are actually a great day. Far from them being bad they are actually a day of the week where things start to feel better. Throughout the day your mood lifts. Mondays may start a bit gloomy but they usually finish far brighter. We could try re-branding Mondays as the time in our week where we have a positive cognitive shift to look forward to. So, next Sunday why not give this a go? It’s natural to not look forward to going back to work and to be sad that the weekend is over. But next time you think that also try telling yourself that you have a real mood uplift to look forward to in the afternoon. Go on, what have you got to lose?

Gemima x

Happy Memories Don’t Leave Scars

 Painful times stay with us. They are so hard to forget and often, even when the wounds have healed, we are left with scars. That’s no bad thing really. I think there is something very beautiful about scars; both the physical ones we can see, and the emotional ones that we can’t see. They are our battle wounds. Our badges of honour. Our proof of life. They scream out to the world “I’m a survivor and I have a story to tell.” The painful times we go through can teach us so much. I look back on experiences that have been painful for me. It’s a cliche but it’s true to say that each one has shaped me. We are so bombarded by the media and society as a whole to accept that beauty is perfection, but I don’t see it that way. I see more beauty in imperfection. There is beauty in courage. There is beauty in vulnerability. There is beauty in strength of character. That’s a beauty that gets better with age too!

But what about the happy times we have in life? They don’t leave scars, and for that reason, the beauty of those experiences are often harder to remember. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from these times too. I believe that there is as much to learn from the good times as the bad; it’s all a question of perspective. All too often we don’t really notice the emotions that come with the good times; the sweetness of these times are often easier to ignore and take for granted than the pain and intensity of trauma. But these times are precious and shape our character just as much if we take the time to reflect on them.

So I guess, what I’m saying is cherish life. Cherish the present moment. Life is so busy but whatever is happening right now, in this very moment, is worth paying attention to. It’s your life. And every moment, whether it’s painful, happy, sad, boring, scary, funny or anything else, is precious because it’s yours. You are the sum total of your experiences so notice them and see the beauty in who you are.

Gemima x