To forgive or not to forgive….?

Have you been wronged? I mean deeply wronged – where someone has treated you, or someone you love, so badly that it physically hurts when you think about it? If so, perhaps you have found that people roll out platitudes that what you need to do is forgive the person who hurt you, so that you don’t end up bitter. Well, in my personal and clinical experience that can be deeply irritating, hurtful, upsetting and really, really undermining and minimising of the pain you are in and the experience you have been through. It is NEVER helpful for people to talk about the onus of responsibility being on the person who has been wronged to forgive.

However, it is true that bitterness is bad for us; mentally and physically. Research has shown that unforgiveness and bitterness can have serious negative consequences for both our physical and mental well-being.

So, to my way of thinking, there’s a tension. On the one hand I get very uncomfortable when I hear people telling others who are in pain and who are quite rightly angry, that they need to forgive. How dare anyone tell someone who has been abused or mistreated that they ‘should’ do anything? It’s just not helpful. I have also been witness to people who have faces contorted with bitterness many years after an event has caused them deep pain. When I see this I am certainly left feeling sad. I don’t think there is a clear cut answer to the unforgiveness question but I do have some thoughts that I hope might be helpful.

Firstly, I don’t think you can rush or force forgiveness. If you try to, it usually ends up with feelings of guilt and self-blame as people desperately try to do something they just aren’t able to do. So, my advice is to take all the pressure off. Stop trying to forgive. Perhaps just work towards an idea that in an ideal world you would like to feel more at peace with what happened one day.

Secondly, try changing your outlook on forgiveness. Forgiveness is NOT saying that what the perpetrator did was ok. Far from it. My perspective is that when I choose to forgive someone who has deeply wronged me I am choosing to see them as a flawed human being. That’s it. That is no excuse, but it is an explanation. When I am in a place to forgive I am saying that I choose peace. I choose a future that is free of, if not the pain of what was done to me, at least free of the ‘why’. Sometimes the ‘why’ can’t be answered and letting go of the need to get the question answered can be a huge release.

Thirdly, when I forgive I choose not to waste my pain and suffering. I see that in the wound there is always a lesson. I choose to be brave enough to consider, over time, what those lessons might be.

Finally, if you decide that the pain is too great to forgive. That’s ok. No one knows how it feels except you. So no one has the right to judge you. You look after your own heart and sometimes just the fact that you are still getting up every day is enough for now.

Love to you all.

Gemima x

Remember if you want to get in contact please email drgemimafitzgerald@gmail.com or leave a comment here or on my Facebook page: Dr Gemima Fitzgerald. Or you can tweet me @GemimaF

Pain can lead to personal growth

I recently gave a talk in a big theatre, The Dome, in Brighton. The talk was a TEDx talk, and for those of you who perhaps haven’t heard of these, it’s a pretty big deal (well it was for me anyway!) I was so nervous because it was such an honour to be asked to do this. My first problem when I was invited to speak was what should I choose to speak about? I had 15 minutes to talk. I felt that there were so many topics I would love to talk about and I had to decide what I felt would be most important to cover in 15 short minutes.

In the end, I decided that my talk had to be one of hope. My passion is how people can grow and become stronger after painful experiences. But condensing all my thoughts, experiences, learning and research into such a short talk is really hard. On the one hand, 15 mins is very short; but on the other hand, asking people to click on a video link and hoping that they will continue watching until the end is quite something…..our attention spans can be so short (mine included) so I really hope it’s interesting enough to keep you engaged as you watch it. It’s not something I’ve done lightly, as traditionally, clinical psychologists don’t tend to reveal too much about themselves. But I’ve done it deliberately. If my message is that going through painful times is nothing to be ashamed of and we can take our masks off, then I must do that too.

Anyway, here it is. I really hope you get something from this. So far, the feedback I’ve received has been incredibly moving for me. In all my preparation I never imagined that so many people would be telling me how inspiring and helpful they found it. I am beyond grateful for people taking the time to tell me what they got from it.

So, if you like the talk and you found it helpful please post a comment. If you think others may benefit from it too, please share it. The reason I did this talk was to reach as many people as possible with this message.

Thank you for taking time to read this and I hope that if you watch the video you hear my heart and you take away a message that your life is important. Please click on the link below to watch it:

Dr Gemima Fitzgerald Human Resilience TEDx Brighton 2015

Gemima x

‘Tis the Season to be Jolly (or not as the case may be….)

“Happy Christmas!” A lovely sentiment, but for many people this festive season will be anything but happy. Hopefully for most people it will be a lovely time but sadly, I know that for some it will be difficult and painful. I love Christmas. I love the food, the decorations, the mulled wine, the cheesy Christmas music, the time you get to spend with loved ones, the rubbish Christmas telly….I could go on and on. But I also am very familiar with the darker side of Christmas. And believe me, there is a darker side; the side that has made me feel more isolated, lonelier and more of a failure than any other time of the year. I have felt the almost unbearable pain of feeling that my life falls so far short of the ‘Christmas ideal’ and that while the rest of the world is tucking into their hearty family meals, laughing as they share funny moments, opening presents that they’ve always dreamed of and looking spectacular in their new Christmas outfits, I am fighting back the tears and feeling that I have never belonged less in this world.

This Christmas there will be people whose lives are falling apart. For some, relationships will be breaking down. Reports of domestic violence typically rise by a third on Christmas Day in the UK. This is often due to the fact that families are forced into close proximity for extended periods of time; often with high quantities of alcohol. For women, men and children who are being abused, Christmas is often a time of inescapable fear and trauma; of heartbreak and deep, deep despair. For others, perhaps they are alone due to a bereavement. Christmas is the most sentimental of times where we naturally cast our minds back to previously happy years. Whatever the circumstances, if we feel disconnected from love this Christmas, it is likely that it will be hard.

Christmas is only a day. Or perhaps a few days if you count the bank holidays. For some, you just need to get through it. Be kind to yourself and try to find some new and unique traditions that are special and make you feel good about yourself. If you are feeling frightened for your physical safety, please, please, please speak up. There is help out there for you and you deserve a life of peace and happiness. If you feel alone in any way, just know that you are braver and stronger than you think. Out of great pain comes the greatest beauty if you turn towards that pain and allow it to make you a person of kindness, gentleness and strength.

So I really hope your Christmas is a good one. But whatever it is, know that your life can be good, and that you have a purpose. My life is free of abuse now and I’m happy. But I will never forget how it feels to be alone. My heart goes out to anyone feeling that. Hang on in there and if you can just let go of the ‘Christmas ideal’ you may even find that there is beauty all around you this Christmas in the most unexpected of places.

Gemima x